Standing Close
by inkstainedfingers97
Summary: "I still can't believe you fainted. You fell right into my arms, like a delicate nineteenth century heroine in a romance novel." She glared at him. "Are you ever going to shut up about that?" Missing moment from 5x14, Red in Tooth and Claw


Title: Standing Close

Disclaimer: Surely there isn't anyone in the world who could believe I'm actually making money off this, is there?

Spoilers: 5x14, Red in Tooth in Claw.

A/N: This is a missing moment (okay, moments) scene from Red in Tooth and Claw. To be honest, I had mixed feelings about this episode. I was not a fan of the whole fainting thing, and I HATED Lisbon as Vanna White. On the other hand, I thoroughly enjoyed Rigsby and Cho's dinosaur argument, especially its conclusion. And I loved Lisbon lying on her couch and venting to Jane and him acting like he wasn't paying attention and then going over to talk to Bertram to fix the problem. And of course I loved the poker scene at the end. But the fainting thing and Lisbon standing around as Jane's trusty assistant still annoyed me, so this is my attempt to rationalize both of those events.

xxxx

"I still can't believe you fainted."

Lisbon groaned and resisted the urge to put her head on her desk so she wouldn't have to face her consultant standing opposite her, grinning like a Cheshire cat in all his smug glory. He was never going to let her hear the end of this. She made a show of continuing to enter the details of her preliminary report into her computer instead, determined not to let Jane get to her. "Are you ever going to shut up about that?"

Jane was practically bursting with glee. "I'm still getting over the shock. You, tough-as-nails Teresa Lisbon, actually fainted at the sight of a few little worms."

"It wasn't a few," she snapped. "There were thousands of them in there." Her skin crawled at the thought of it.

Jane grinned at her. "You literally swooned."

She glared at him. "I did not swoon. I just felt a little woozy for a second, that's all."

"You fell right into my arms, like a delicate nineteenth century heroine in a romance novel."

"If you don't shut up about this, I'll show you exactly how *delicate* I can be," she threatened.

Jane ignored her. "Lucky I was there to catch you, really," he mused.

She rolled her eyes. "I hope you're not casting yourself as the hero in this situation." God, why couldn't she have fallen into someone else's arms? Anyone else's. Cho's, for example. Cho would have ensured she didn't hit her head on any sharp corners as she fell, and then he would have propped her in the corner of the room and carried on with business until she came to her senses on her own. He was a good man, Cho.

"Certainly, I am. I caught you, didn't I?" Jane preened.

Of course, Cho wouldn't have held her gently as she came back to herself, murmuring her name and stroking her hair. She was also pretty sure he wouldn't have touched her face and looked at her with a flash of concern in his eyes as she opened her own.

Then again, upon realizing that she was completely recovered, Cho wouldn't have broken into a smile and immediately started making fun of her in front of the crime scene techs. Not to mention the suspects. Nothing like fainting and then having your consultant openly mock you to inspire confidence in your leadership skills. "Yes, Jane, you did," she sighed. "Thank you for preventing me from hitting my head and getting a concussion when I fell. That was very heroic of you. Let me know if you need to ask for a leave of absence to pursue a quest of some kind or go out and slay dragons or something. Now, will you please drop this?"

Jane ignored her. "I'd like to congratulate you on breaking stereotype and not raising your hand to your forehead as an indication of your impending fainting spell. That whole hand to the forehead bit is rather over-theatrical, if you ask me. Your way was much better. A simple buckling of the knees and you were out. Very well played. Understated."

Yes, all in all, it would have been much preferable to faint into Cho's arms.

Jane sat down in her visitor's chair and put his elbow on her desk, propping his chin up on his hand and looking deep into her eyes. "Tell me, Lisbon, was it some kind of childhood trauma that inspired this deep-seated fear of worms? One of your younger brothers putting worms under your pillow, something along those lines?"

"Sorry to disappoint you, Jane, but there was no worm-related trauma in my childhood." When he was eight years old, Tommy had cut a worm in half and eaten half of it in front of her one time, but that hadn't been terrifying. Just disgusting.

"Then how can you explain the fact that you can face hardened criminals with equanimity, but you're afraid of tiny little worms?"

"They were *flesh-eating* worms, Jane. Flesh-eating. They were literally devouring that poor woman's skin." Lisbon shuddered. "Anybody would be a bit… unsettled by that."

"I could help, you know," Jane offered.

"Help with what?"

"I could help you overcome your fear. I could hypnotize you into not fearing worms anymore."

"No, thanks," she said dryly. Frankly, she was better off with the worms. "A little fear is healthy. It encourages a sense of self-preservation."

"True. But fear is only helpful if it prompts you to fight or flee. If it just causes you to pass out, you'd be defenseless against all those worms, should they decide to attack," Jane pointed out.

She glared at him. "Did you come in here just to hassle me about this, or did you have an actual reason for inflicting your presence upon me?"

He smirked. "Funny you should ask. In fact, I have a plan to solve the case."

"Oh, great," Lisbon muttered. "Humiliation and tidings of disaster all in one fell swoop."

He ignored this. "I need your permission to steal a moth."

She blinked. Since when did Jane ask her for permission to do anything? "A moth? Can't you just hang out under a porch light for awhile and try to catch one for yourself?"

"I'm afraid it's a very specific moth that I'm after," he said. "One with which you share a particular affinity. The California Jade Moth."

Lisbon frowned. "Why the hell would I have an affinity with a moth?"

"Well, not the moth itself, per se, but the jade part. With the color your eyes, I would have thought the connection was obvious."

Lisbon shook her head. Even after all these years of working with him, Jane's thought processes continued to baffle her. She decided not to question it, in this case. "Okay, fine, why do you need the moth?"

"To lure the murderer out, of course."

She waited, but nothing further was forthcoming. "Are you going to tell me how a moth is going to help you do that?"

"No, that would ruin the surprise. But I am going to need your help."

"To get the moth?"

"No, Cho and Rigsby can help me with that. I'm going to need your help afterwards, at the memory seminar that I'm doing for Dr. Kidd's class."

"You're doing a memory seminar for Dr. Kidd?"

"For her class, yes. That's how we're going to catch the murderer."

"Ah. And you need me to be on hand to make the arrest once you figure out who the killer is."

"Well, yes, but also, I'm going to need your assistance."

She had a bad feeling about this. "With what?"

"No need to look so suspicious, Lisbon. It's nothing illegal, if that's what you're worried about. I just need you to stand behind me and show off a series of dead stuffed animals as I name each of them in turn."

"*Why?*"

He blinked. "It's the oldest magician's trick in the book, Lisbon. Put a beautiful woman next to the magician on stage, and everyone's attention is distracted from what's really happening."

Lisbon was annoyed. "I see. So I'm your trusty assistant, serving as eye candy while *you* solve the murder?"

"Not at all," he said, sensing danger. "Everyone who knows anything about magic knows the assistant is half the act. She and the magician are partners, conspiring together to fool the audience."

"Yet people only clap for *him* when they pull off the trick."

"Don't be silly, Lisbon. Every magician worth his salt knows enough to give his leading lady her moment in the spotlight." He eyed her speculatively. "I don't suppose you own a sequined leotard, do you?"

She glared at him. "You think I don't know what you're up to? This isn't about distracting someone from noticing your sleight of hand. You just want someone to add dramatic flair to your big reveal when you show off how clever you are by announcing who the murderer is. Well, you can forget it, Jane. I'm not going to do a Vanna White impression just for your amusement."

"Vanna White, huh? Very well, I suppose a floor length evening gown will do in a pinch if you can't get your hands on a leotard on such short notice."

"Not happening, Jane."

"Oh, come on, Lisbon. It will be fun."

She'd worked with Jane long enough to know that something that meant fun to him usually meant three extra hours of paperwork for her. "No."

"No?"

She decided to amend her answer. "No way in hell."

"Interesting. There's nothing I can do to change your mind?"

"Definitely not."

"Would you consider a trade, then?"

"A trade?" she said suspiciously. "What kind of trade?"

"You do this for me, and I do something for you."

"What are you going to do for me?"

"Something nice."

"A normal something nice, or a Jane something kind of nice?"

"I take offense to that, Lisbon. You're implying that I'm not nice?"

"Well, sometimes your efforts to be nice result in the two of us being sent to Mexico in a shipping container," she pointed out. "I've learned to appreciate the distinction."

"I promise that what I will do for you will really be something nice. Something you'll like," he clarified, seeing her skeptical look.

"Like what?"

"Lisbon, why do you always want to ruin my surprises?" he complained. "Can't you just take it on faith that I know you well enough to know exactly what would please you the most?"

"Jane, why do you still not know me well enough to know that I don't *like* surprises?"

"Oh, you do too."

"I really don't."

"Well, you'll like this one," he said with certainty.

She frowned. "That makes it sound like you already have one in mind."

"I may have," he hedged.

"Tell me what it is and I'll *consider* acting like your damn assistant."

He shook his head. "No can do, Lisbon."

"You expect me to make a bargain to do something I don't want to do without telling me what I'm getting in return? No deal, Jane."

"I told you, you'll like it. Cross my heart and hope to die."

"Oh, if only," she muttered. "Here's the deal- you tell me the plan, and you promise not to wander off or piss anyone off for our next five cases. AND you have to buy me coffee every day for the next month. And no coffee from Starbucks. I want the expensive stuff from Marie's."

Jane winced. "No wandering off? Lisbon, that will seriously impede my ability to solve cases. Wandering off is a critical part of my investigative process."

"Fine. You can just solve this one on your own, then. Just don't come crying to me when somebody punches you in the nose because I wasn't there to protect you."

"Okay, how about this: I still give you my surprise, I will not needlessly anger anyone on our next TWO cases, and I will get you coffee every day for the next two weeks. I retain full wandering rights."

"You won't 'needlessly' anger anyone? I know you Jane. If I agree to that, you'll piss people off just as much as usual but you'll claim it was necessary to make them mad because they deserved it."

Jane scowled. "All right, fine. I will do my utmost not to make anyone but the actual murderer mad in our next two cases, and I will support your unfortunate coffee habit for a couple of weeks."

"Three cases. And if you're only getting me coffee for two weeks, I should get lunch, too. And you tell me your plan in advance for this case and the next one we catch, too."

"Telling you the plan in advance on two cases in a row? Are you on a mission to take all the joy out of my life, woman?" he demanded.

"That's the deal, Jane. Take it or leave it."

"Okay, but I'm still giving you my surprise."

"Fine. Under those terms, I will be your stupid assistant with the dead animals."

"Done," Jane said promptly. "I'll look forward to seeing that leotard on you. Now, can we go to the museum to catch the murderer?"

"Not so fast, Dr. Clouseau."

"Come on, Lisbon," he said, coming around her desk and pulling her out of her chair. "Time is of the essence. We don't want to be late to the memory seminar."

"You were going to tell me the plan before we go, remember?"

He helped her on with her jacket and ushered her out of her office with a hand at the small of her back. "I'll tell you on the way."

Xxx

The next day, after losing three hands of poker to Jane in an embarrassingly short period of time, Lisbon scowled at him. "Where's my coffee?"

Jane gathered the cards up and didn't raise his head to look at her. "Hm?"

She sat back and folded her arms across her chest. "I can't believe you. I should have known not to trust you to keep the terms of our deal. Why do I never learn? I agreed to be your live mannequin with those dumb taxidermy projects, and you don't even stick to the bargain for one damn day. That's low, even for you. Are you really incapable of keeping the simplest promise?"

He raised his eyebrows. "That seems a bit uncalled for. I did tell you the plan, didn't I?"

"You're right, perhaps I'm being a bit harsh. Maybe you just forgot. Maybe the vaunted memory palace is failing you at last," she said sweetly. "It's bound to happen with age. A few cracks in the foundation, then the bricks start to crumble, and the next thing you know—"

Wordlessly, he produced a cup of coffee from she knew not where and handed it to her.

It was still hot. She gaped at the coffee, the familiar emblem from Marie's emblazoned across the side of the cup. "Were you carrying a cup of coffee around in your pocket or something? Seriously, how do you do that?"

He feigned innocence. "Do what?"

"The aces, the coffee still being hot…"

"I told you, I didn't cheat," said the master con man. "You just happened to deal me two aces. Almost as though you're my own personal lucky charm. As for the coffee, Marie's always serves their coffee just this side of scalding. You're always too impatient to wait for it to cool off and end up burning yourself, so I took it upon myself to delay its delivery until it had cooled off sufficiently to assure me that allowing you to drink it would not cause you any lasting harm."

"Hm," she said skeptically, taking a sip. It was heavenly, and just the right temperature.

"As for the rest of our deal," he went on, "I made us reservations at Santorini's for lunch, and I already know you liked your surprise, so I really don't know what you're complaining about."

She blinked. Santorini's? That place was absurdly expensive and their tiramisu was to die for. She'd been expecting sandwiches from the snack cart upstairs. "My surprise?" she said blankly. Then it clicked into place. "The training stipend for Van Pelt."

"Yes," he confirmed. "I suppose technically one could argue that was really more for Grace than for you, but I knew that would make you happier than anything I could do for you directly. You're really appallingly unselfish that way, my dear. You're quite a difficult woman to do favors for."

A warm feeling filled up her heart and suffused her insides. He'd gone to see Bertram for her. He'd gone out of his way to soften up her boss because she'd been upset about not being able to send Van Pelt to the training course she'd worked so hard to get into. That was the trouble with Jane. He spent most of his time being a pain in the ass, but then he'd do something like this and catch her completely off guard. She could yell at him until she was hoarse and he'd appear not to listen to a word of it, but then she'd make some offhand remark in passing and the next thing she'd know he'd put some complicated scheme into motion to grant her desire, even if it was often executed in a somewhat backhanded way. She had to admit, she was touched.

Of course, it wouldn't do to let Jane see how much his actions had affected her. She tried to think of something to say to keep things light. "That's what you think. I'm ordering tiramisu for dessert, and if you think I'm going to share a single bite with you, you can forget it."

He laughed. "Pathetic attempt to convince me that you're really a selfish person, Lisbon. I'm not buying it. I know you too well," he said, his voice full of affection.

She gave up. "You really went to talk to Bertram for me?"

He grinned at her. "Yup."

She smiled back at him despite herself and his grinned widened.

This was dangerous. Smiling at Jane was dangerous. Especially when he was smiling back. It led to her thinking about things like birthday ponies and holding hands in the desert and wondering what he'd really meant when he'd told her he loved her before he'd shot her. Things which she absolutely should not be dwelling on. No matter how much his eyes twinkled at her when he cheated at cards. Still, it had been awfully sweet of him to do this for her. "Thanks."

He was positively beaming now. "You're welcome."

"I should get back to work," she said, stealing one of the gummy dinosaurs he'd won from her and popping it into her mouth as she stood up from the table.

His eyes followed her movement and settled on her mouth for a fraction of a moment too long. "Of course."

She picked up her coffee and went to her desk. She sat down and he stood up, pocketing the cards and his candy winnings. "I'll be out on my couch," he told her.

"'Kay," she said, picking up a report that she needed to read before her afternoon budget meeting.

He came over to her desk and placed a single purple stegosaurus next to her keyboard. "Holler if you start to feel faint and need someone to catch you."

"Very funny."

"I told you, Lisbon. You can trust me. I'll always be there to catch you," he said seriously.

"I've said it before-you're untrustworthy. I still don't trust you."

"Hey, my record's in my favor, now. Twice you've fallen, and both times I caught you."

This gave her pause. It was true. He'd been standing close enough to catch her when she fell. He always stood close to her. Too close, most of the time. But on this occasion, it had been just close enough. "I guess you did."

He looked satisfied by this response, and prepared to take his leave. "Lunch at one?"

She nodded her assent. He shot her one more blinding grin, and left.

She looked back at the file on her desk, determined to focus on the task at hand and not let Jane's unsettling behavior distract her.

Her mind strayed back to that twinkle in his eyes as she absently opened her desk drawer in search of a pen to mark up her report. She glanced down into the drawer. When she saw its contents, she suppressed a shriek with some difficulty.

Her top desk drawer was chock full to the brim with a writhing mass of pink, green, yellow and blue neon rubber worms. She took a deep breath to calm herself and congratulated herself on not giving in to the instinct to screech in shock when she'd seen the wriggling little things. The last thing she needed was to give Patrick Jane the satisfaction of getting her to scream like a girl.

Furious, she yanked the drawer out of the desk so she could take it out to the bullpen and dump all those toy worms over Jane's head as he pretended to sleep.

She should have known. No matter how sweet he was being, she'd been right all along.

He was never going to let her hear the end of this.


End file.
